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Sabotaging Relationship

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Last Updated: 02 July 2021

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Sometimes the only thing standing between us and a happier relationship is ourselves. Many psychologists call this self-sabotaging behavior, which is broadly defined as behavior that creates problems in your own daily life and interferes with your long-standing goals. In relationships, self-sabotage is when you're actively trying to ruin your own relationship or make it fall apart, whether consciously or subconsciously. For some people, this is such ingrained behavior that it can be hard to even recognize, let alone stop it. Although often subconscious, there are several reasons someone might want to sabotage a perfectly healthy relationship. One big reason is low self-esteem and self-worth, according to clinical psychologist Maggie Dancel, psy. D If you're worried your partner may not like you enough, you might subconsciously act out or push them away so you don't have to feel the sting of rejection. Stirring up relationship drama can also be a way to keep your partner interested, Dancel tells mbg: individuals may not feel that they can get better, so they settle for any attention, affection, and connection, negative or positive. On other side of the spectrum, some individuals might fear commitment due to what relationship will mean for their independence, leading them to self-sabotage relationships in order to keep their distance and maintain a sense of freedom. Much of the reasoning behind someone self-sabotaging relationship has to do with the individual's attachment style, Madeline Cooper, psychotherapist and clinical social worker specializing in sexuality and Relationships, tells mbg. Your attachment style is the way you deal with relationships, which is learnt from our earliest childhood relationships with caregivers. Individuals with anxious attachment styles often desire intimacy and fear rejection because of experiences of abandonment in childhood, which can lead them to project these negative outcomes of relationship onto their partner. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often avoid closeness and intimacy because their childhood teaches them to be self-sufficient, which may lead them to delay commitment or demonstrate dismissive nature. Because the desire to self-sabotage is so linked to our attachment style, people can often self-sabotage relationships subconsciously by repeating relational patterns that we learn as children. We repeat behaviors over and over again because the negative cycle is familiar, Dancel say. I have seen clients who suspect their partners of cheating with no evidence to prove it but are so convinced because of their own insecurities, Cooper say, describing this as an example of self-sabotaging relationship. It's hard not to get paranoid sometimes in relationships, but if you are constantly worried that your partner is cheating or wants to leave you, this could be a projection of your own fears and anxieties about the relationship. While it might not seem like it, eating poorly, drinking or smoking excessively, and overall not taking care of yourself can be a sign of self-sabotage in relationship. These negative behaviors can function as a coping mechanism for individuals who are unhappy in a relationship but do not know how to fix it.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions

Where does this come from?

According to 2019 analysis about relationship self-sabotage, these are reasons people are self-destructive in relationships: fear of getting hurt insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem unhealthy relationship beliefs and expectations, difficulty coping with relationship problems avoiding commitment roots of self-sabotage are often from early negative childhood experiences, Feuerman say. Often it results from parents who have been either unresponsive, abusive, or inconsistent in their responsiveness and caretaking toward child. It triggers deep-seated feelings of being unworthy or not good enough. It fosters negative views of oneself and negative expectations or mistrust toward others. Here are some examples of how insecure attachments can manifest in relationships: person who is afraid of abandonment will avoid relationships to protect themselves. They may also let things progress only so far before sabotaging behavior ends the relationship. Person with fear of abandonment may be controlling and demanding to hang on to their partner. People who have experienced trauma in childhood or other relationships may be uncomfortable with intimacy and vulnerability because of how they were treated in the past. Some may reject appreciation or positive attention because in the past it turned into abuse.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions

You assume the worst.

When it comes to self-sabotage, one size doesn't fit all. You may be too tired and stressed to think through complex choices and instead rely on easy heuristics. You may sabotage relationships, because you fear closeness and intimacy or fear rejection. Or you may procrastinate and avoid, because you fear failure or lack planning and time management skills. The solution differ depending on the area of self-sabotage. Getting enough rest and not taking on too much can help you think more clearly and make better choices. Understanding the roots of your fears of intimacy and rejection and taking small steps towards more closeness can help in relationship arena. And taking more responsibility for planning and motivating yourself and adopting a growth mindset can help with procrastination at work.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions

Emily Standley , Content Specialist

When it comes to self-sabotage, best thing you can do is understand where those feelings are coming from and fight back against the tendency to spend a lot of time in your head, making a case against change. Learn to tune out those excuses and keep on moving right through them no matter how much your present self-fights against your future self. Find something so important that it is worth enraging your prehistoric fears. And start taking action now notwithstanding what your lizard brain tells you. To overcome your fear of taking steps outside your comfort bubble, embrace new ideas, habits, experiences and activities into largest possible amount of sub-steps you can imagine, and start making progress from there. Write all the steps down if that help. Prioritize them. Go back to the first item on your list and find the smallest possible action you can take to advance your goals. Aim for baby steps. Focus on small wins. The idea is to take even the smallest action towards a bigger goal. Actions your brain does see as threats to your survival. If it is too big a step, your resistance brain will cause you to overestimate step as a threat putting you on a path to self-sabotage. For example, if you want to write a book, start with 200 words a day. Dont judge your work. Just Write. Ernest Hemingway once say, Write drunk; edit sober. If you want to exercise, start with a five-minute routine, and build up from there, instead of half hour or one hour. If you fear closeness, intimacy or rejection in a relationship, you can overcome that by taking a gradual approach to something you can handle. Taking small steps towards more closeness can help you think more clearly and make better choices. Use the same mindset or approach for anything you want to start. Choosing actions, however small, with full awareness will encourage good habits and momentum. Commit to process your brain can handle otherwise you will make excuses and sabotage goal. Even if it is 10 minutes a day. Any time you stumble, just get back up and take another run at it. Thats how progress happen. You can also use the 2-minute rule to overcome procrastination. According to Productivity guru, James Clear, if a task takes less than two minutes to accomplish, you should do it immediately. He said you can apply the two minutes rule to start something new that way, you wo put off starting. Often, he say, you will keep going further than your allotted 2 minutes. Work in progress, no matter how small, pushes you to continue working on your goals. People who are ultimately successful in initiating and maintaining major behavioral change usually do it through gradual, step-by-step changes. It is one of the best ways to stop patterns of behavior that hold you back from living your best life.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions

Sources

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions.

* Please keep in mind that all text is machine-generated, we do not bear any responsibility, and you should always get advice from professionals before taking any actions

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